Thank God It's Friday

It is. It's a Friday today. The one day that most of the residents of Dubai will turn off their alarm clocks and sleep in, leaving the roads clear and traffic free. I'm one of those abnormal ones who get up bright and early and wake everyone else with their annoyingly chirpy cheerfulness, hop into their car with a thermos of coffee and head to the beach to watch the sunrise. It's a beautiful, beautiful sunrise. Granted it's about 50 degrees C but theose gorgeous colours spreading across the sky is worth it I think.

I went and saw my 2 babies today. That's what they've become to me, my 2 babies. Tracy and Joe Kuruvilla. My heart filled up when Tracy jumped into my arms, and when Joe gave me a shy wet kiss. My spirits soared as I clapped to their performance of Bob Sinclaire's World Hold On. I had an indulgant smile as Tracy spat all over me and gave me a 4 toothed grin. And I was crushed when it was time to leave and I heard Joe wail mournfully. They're my stress relief. Tracy can do anything to me and I will laugh and kiss her. I don't even know if all this is in proper english but just the thought of my stolen hour with them brings a grin to my face. I adore them. I'm not one of those super sickly sweet baby loving types. I usually hate kids. They're annoying, irritating, bad mannered and just pissing off, but these 2, these 2 are the lights of my life. Am I going overly gaga over a pair of kids that arent even mine? Probably. But these 2 are worth it. If I have kids I want them to be like Tracy and Joe. Theyre the only 2 kids so far who are worth the pain I'd think. They are.

NIMHAANS

Bright yellow plastic,

Lined up on the wall

Sour smell of medicine

And disinfectant fluids.

Shrill screams of children,

Anxious parents close by,

Fatigued faces,

Caretakers.

Prisoners, heads hanging in shame,

Some in cuffs you can see,

Others in ones that you can't,

Paraded down the corridors.

Waiting, watching audience,

Time ticking on by,

Disdain and fear written all over their faces,

Privacy is nonexistant.

A lone broken girl,

On the bright yellow plastic,

Lifeless eyes fixed on the floor,

Body slumped in defeat.

I miss you

My heart is with you,

A million miles away,

I close my eyes,

And think of you,

Your vibrant smile,

Your teasing wink.

I can feel your touch,

Feathered kisses on my cheek,

Strong arms holding me close,

Hard lips pressing mine,

Fingers running through my hair,

Whispered words at my throat.

I can hear your voice,

Loud guffaws of mirth,

Murmurs of comfort,

Teasing jibes,

Words to make me smile,

Promises of love.

I can see you standing there,

Your light brown eyes

Looking deep into mine,

Darkening with passion.

Skin smooth under my hands,

Your affection warming me up.

I can feel the pain,

Tears running down my cheek,

Staring at your back,

Willing you to turn around

And take back the words you said...

Say hello again.

Remembering all that I forgot...

I was reminded of so much when I went babysitting yesterday. I realised that my memory is quite bad and so I'm going to write it all down so that I'll be reminded from time to time...and so that you can remember too!!!
I forgot that no matter how icky it seems, there is alot of joy to be found in blowing big bubblegum bubbles to have them immediately slapped flat by a 3yr old. No I do not know where his hands have been but his glee and the immediate chanting of "'mowe mowe" made it seem like the best thing in the world.
I forgot how painful (and wet!!!) it is when a baby sinks her new teeth into your arm, but the delighted laughter that followed my yells of pain (bloody sadist kid) made it feel like a carress.
I forgot how sleepless the nights are as while sleeping with a restless toddler but if I'm woken up by the feel of a tiny body burrowing into mine looking for a comfortable place then I'll gladly be woken up a thousand times a night.
I forgot how stiff your body becomes while lying still under a sleeping baby (yes it's the sadist kid agen who got up and cried if I moved an inch) but to be able to look down at those gorgeous curls and hold that chubby body while she breathes, I'd be willing to be glued in that position.
I forgot how much our arm hurt after carrying around babies who don't like to be held while sitting but to feel those arms around my neck and wet kisses on my cheek, I would be willing to live with lifelong pain.
I forgot how tiring it was to repeat one thing over and over again for child's amusement but to hear those giggles and squeals I'd do it till I die.
I forgot how tiresome it could be to have children trailing your everystep but looking down into those adoring eyes and happy smiles made me want to handcuff myself to them so I'd never let them go.
I forgot, that when you're with children, as annoying as they are, a simple look, a tiny smile, a wet kiss, a tight hug, all of that is worth travelling to the other end of the world for.
I forgot how heartbreaking it is to leave, but how good a phonecall feels.
"Chechi come back soon!!!"
The best words in the world...I don't need no money, I don't need no clothes, gimme a baby that's a baby forever, and I'll be the happiest Cheeseburger in the world!!!

Secret Admirer

Silently I watch you,

Unmoving, not speaking.

My eyes never leave your face,

Your powerful stride.

My lips don't move,

Yet my heart speaks a thousand words,

Yearning for you to hear, these secrets that I bear.

Our eyes meet across the room,

And excitement heats me up,

Rushing through my veins,

Pounding in my head.

Yet as I look at you through rose coloured glasses,

You look at me with hatred and disdain,

A scornful smile upon your lips,

That shatters my heart and wrenches my soul.

The fault is mine own, I'll admit,

For it's with a camoflouge of meanness that I come before you.

How are you to know that my heart beats for you?

How are you to know that I yearn for your touch?

Isn't it my fault that you've learnt to hate me?

Isn't it my fault that you think I hate you?

Can you not see it in my eyes?

This torture that I bear...

Can you not see it on my face?

This love I give to you...

It radiates of me,

Yet noone knows.

It's written on my face,

Yet noone sees,

That my heart, body and soul are all for you.

Who amI

Who is that face, looking back at me,

As I stand in front of the mirror?

She seems familiar, I've seen her before...

I know her!!!

But as I look closer, look under the surface,

I realise I was wrong, I don't know her at all...

I just thought I did, a long time ago.

I'm eager to find out about her, asking her questions,

Searching her soul, but I don't find anything.

I don't understand. I look closer, I know her!!!

I see her face every morning, in the mirror,

In pictures, in memories...that's ME!

Who am I?

Why don't I recognise myself?

Where is that happy girl of 12?

Who is this cold, sophisticated stranger, standing there,

Mocking me....it's me... but who am I?

Pretence...

I'm bleeding inside, but noone sees the wound,

Noone can heal me.

I'm bruised and I'm broken, but noone sees the scars,

Noone can help me.

All I can do is dream, escape into a world of fantasy.

All I can do is float up high, riding on a cloud -

With the one I love.

Noone sees the misery inside, bottled up so tight,

I cannot - must not show them,

These feelings - ever changing, teaing me apart.

Will anyone know?

Will anyone understand?

There must be one person who will...

But untill I find him, I must hide behind my fake smile

And pretend to be happy.

Depression

Depression takes over me,

A downward spiral that I fall,

Arms flailing, a wild dance.

Memories flow past,

Of happiness and laughter,

But soon dissapear in the river of my tears.

Pain, a long lost friend,

Envelopes me in his greeting cold,

Leaving a feeling that I won't feel warm again...

For a long, long time.

I don't hit the bottom,

I'm just falling and falling and falling,

Sinking deeper into self pity

And tears.

Illegal Friendship...

A bleeding rose, a bleeding heart,

The wax drips slowly as the fire burns.

Teardrops stain the ageing picture

As the memories hit her one by one.

It started with laughter, and ended with a lie,

Unspoken words, it was over so quickly.

Unwritten love, unfinished goodbyes, unbridled hatred,

Saving one relationship, ending another.

Unwanted heartache, uinasked for misery,

Where was the laughter, the joy, the love?

Another tear, another waxdrop, another memory...

With time the wound will heal,

The raw bleeding wound of an illegal friendship,

Over too soon, not yet finished.

The effect of authority on a helpless soul...

They don't see the flame in your eyes dying,
As they tell you that you can't do it.
They don't see your heart shrivel up,
As they tell you you're not good enough.
They don't see your hope fading,
As they tell you that you'll never be.
All they see, when they look at you,
Is an alien face, one who dares to be different.
Change scares them and they decide to supress it...
Supress you.
At first you fight back,
But they become too strong,
Too powerful in their taunting,
And each viscous word
Drives a knife deeper into your heart,
Killing you, slowly, surely.
But all they see, is normality,
And success in converting you into one of them,
Caging your free spirit.
And they don't realise,
That with every tear they made you cry,
A part of you escapes,
To leave behind a shell.
Human flesh and bones...
With the life they sucked out,
Dead and burning in the fire they lit.

A cry for help...last year...

Thick red slashes on a less than slender wrist...
Hidden by cheap pink plastic, you don't see...
Pain pouring out of her heart, her soul.
She's crying out to you, waiting, yearning...
You don't hear...you don't come...

Tear tracks run down brown chubby cheeks...
Hidden by a smile, you don't see...
The agony flashing in her eyes.
Her eyes are like an open book...
One look and you'll see....
But you don't look...you don't see...

And then it's too late,
As her casket is lowered, 6 feet down,
Suddenly you realise,
You see the red slashes,
You hear the cries,
You see the pain...
But it's too late...she's gone.

There's something about blogging...

Blogging. It's such a strange word...it makes me think of wierd jelly-like substances for some unknown reason...or maybe a world that one would use to describe or immitate vomit...something that sounds like a icky, brown, slime covered muddy swamp...a very strange word.

Blogging. An art, a sport even, some might say. The act of writing an online journal, ones innermost private thoughts, to be viewed by just about anyone who has access to a phone line and a computer. The act of displaying your Diary to the world.

So what is it about blogging that's make it's so addictive? What attracts one to it so much that one actually bares his mind, his heart, his soul...his innermost being...to a world of strangers? What is it about this new fad that prompts one to reveal himself in a way that even he has not seen?

I am not new to the world of blogging, I have been an audience...reading...watching as loved ones begin to unfurl before me, reveal them selves through a window of words, their blogs a story of their lives, with them as the main character. I have laughed and cried with many unknown faces, read about heartbreaks and rebirth, the dawn of a new day, the darkness of night...but I have never been an author...so this is a new page, a new chapter in the book of my life, a chapter headed...The Seduction Of Blogging...where one strips and bares oneself...to the world...

New Born Blogger

Ok so I've finally created a blog page thingamajig...and here it is so...if anyone really does read this please comment 'cause...well...'cause I just told you too!!! :P
So yeah...welcome to me blog spot...sit back and belt up 'cause you're in for a pretty wild ride...the ride of a lifetime through Alisha's Mind...
How corny :P