Ummm...

Hello. It's me again. I haven't written in a very long time but inspiration is slow. Infact, to be honest, I'm not particularly inspired right now. I just realised that people actually read my blog and might want to know what's going on nowadays! For all those who'd like to see a different side of me, I have another blog...www.finally21.blogspot.com.

Yeah I know I have a large number of blogs but yeah...maybe I'll start a new one which I'll write in everyday. Hehe. Maybe. Admittedly I haven't updated the other one in ages either but what I've written there is completely different to the stuff here. Beware though, it's a rather dark side of me.

On a different note, does anyone still check this?

Love yous!

On dreams and dead relatives...

I was reading through my blogs and my comments when I read a comment Tina wrote, and she said "You write beautifully!"
Thanks honey!
And that made me feel so special I decided what the heck, let's write a new post.
So I had a dream one night that starred my Mother’s younger brother, who died 5 years ago, of a massive heart attack at the age of 35. He died a bachelor, single and uncommitted, but in my dream he had a wife and 2 kids. It was a relatively happy dream full of laughter and smiles and I woke up with a pleasant feeling, full of joy. And then, a week later, upon discussing dreams and the appearance of dead relatives in them with a close friend and brother, a thought occurred to me. What if there IS only one chosen mate for everyone? And if you die before you find him/her, whether you die single or living with the wrong one, you’re reunited with him/her in heaven and you live for eternity with the family you were meant. What if you go to heaven and meet the child you aborted or the baby that slipped away a little too soon? What if, perfect families that did not get a chance to BE in this life, then exists in the afterlife? Maybe my Uncle and his would-be wife died before they could get a chance to meet each other, or met each other but died before they got a chance to realize they were meant for each other and did not experience that earthly joy that comes out of lust, love and basic carnal need? Did they then meet in heaven and live the life they would have on earth if they had stayed longer? A pleasant thought but contradictory to the Christian principle that has been engraved into, being everyone is sent here for a purpose, and once fulfilled, is called back to the creator. Everyone having a soul mate is just wishful thinking and romantic fantasies, and maybe even a reassurance for those of us who are, at 21, painfully, depressingly and unhappily, quite alone and unloved. Like Natasha Bedingfield :P

Thank God It's Friday

It is. It's a Friday today. The one day that most of the residents of Dubai will turn off their alarm clocks and sleep in, leaving the roads clear and traffic free. I'm one of those abnormal ones who get up bright and early and wake everyone else with their annoyingly chirpy cheerfulness, hop into their car with a thermos of coffee and head to the beach to watch the sunrise. It's a beautiful, beautiful sunrise. Granted it's about 50 degrees C but theose gorgeous colours spreading across the sky is worth it I think.

I went and saw my 2 babies today. That's what they've become to me, my 2 babies. Tracy and Joe Kuruvilla. My heart filled up when Tracy jumped into my arms, and when Joe gave me a shy wet kiss. My spirits soared as I clapped to their performance of Bob Sinclaire's World Hold On. I had an indulgant smile as Tracy spat all over me and gave me a 4 toothed grin. And I was crushed when it was time to leave and I heard Joe wail mournfully. They're my stress relief. Tracy can do anything to me and I will laugh and kiss her. I don't even know if all this is in proper english but just the thought of my stolen hour with them brings a grin to my face. I adore them. I'm not one of those super sickly sweet baby loving types. I usually hate kids. They're annoying, irritating, bad mannered and just pissing off, but these 2, these 2 are the lights of my life. Am I going overly gaga over a pair of kids that arent even mine? Probably. But these 2 are worth it. If I have kids I want them to be like Tracy and Joe. Theyre the only 2 kids so far who are worth the pain I'd think. They are.

NIMHAANS

Bright yellow plastic,

Lined up on the wall

Sour smell of medicine

And disinfectant fluids.

Shrill screams of children,

Anxious parents close by,

Fatigued faces,

Caretakers.

Prisoners, heads hanging in shame,

Some in cuffs you can see,

Others in ones that you can't,

Paraded down the corridors.

Waiting, watching audience,

Time ticking on by,

Disdain and fear written all over their faces,

Privacy is nonexistant.

A lone broken girl,

On the bright yellow plastic,

Lifeless eyes fixed on the floor,

Body slumped in defeat.

I miss you

My heart is with you,

A million miles away,

I close my eyes,

And think of you,

Your vibrant smile,

Your teasing wink.

I can feel your touch,

Feathered kisses on my cheek,

Strong arms holding me close,

Hard lips pressing mine,

Fingers running through my hair,

Whispered words at my throat.

I can hear your voice,

Loud guffaws of mirth,

Murmurs of comfort,

Teasing jibes,

Words to make me smile,

Promises of love.

I can see you standing there,

Your light brown eyes

Looking deep into mine,

Darkening with passion.

Skin smooth under my hands,

Your affection warming me up.

I can feel the pain,

Tears running down my cheek,

Staring at your back,

Willing you to turn around

And take back the words you said...

Say hello again.

Remembering all that I forgot...

I was reminded of so much when I went babysitting yesterday. I realised that my memory is quite bad and so I'm going to write it all down so that I'll be reminded from time to time...and so that you can remember too!!!
I forgot that no matter how icky it seems, there is alot of joy to be found in blowing big bubblegum bubbles to have them immediately slapped flat by a 3yr old. No I do not know where his hands have been but his glee and the immediate chanting of "'mowe mowe" made it seem like the best thing in the world.
I forgot how painful (and wet!!!) it is when a baby sinks her new teeth into your arm, but the delighted laughter that followed my yells of pain (bloody sadist kid) made it feel like a carress.
I forgot how sleepless the nights are as while sleeping with a restless toddler but if I'm woken up by the feel of a tiny body burrowing into mine looking for a comfortable place then I'll gladly be woken up a thousand times a night.
I forgot how stiff your body becomes while lying still under a sleeping baby (yes it's the sadist kid agen who got up and cried if I moved an inch) but to be able to look down at those gorgeous curls and hold that chubby body while she breathes, I'd be willing to be glued in that position.
I forgot how much our arm hurt after carrying around babies who don't like to be held while sitting but to feel those arms around my neck and wet kisses on my cheek, I would be willing to live with lifelong pain.
I forgot how tiring it was to repeat one thing over and over again for child's amusement but to hear those giggles and squeals I'd do it till I die.
I forgot how tiresome it could be to have children trailing your everystep but looking down into those adoring eyes and happy smiles made me want to handcuff myself to them so I'd never let them go.
I forgot, that when you're with children, as annoying as they are, a simple look, a tiny smile, a wet kiss, a tight hug, all of that is worth travelling to the other end of the world for.
I forgot how heartbreaking it is to leave, but how good a phonecall feels.
"Chechi come back soon!!!"
The best words in the world...I don't need no money, I don't need no clothes, gimme a baby that's a baby forever, and I'll be the happiest Cheeseburger in the world!!!

Secret Admirer

Silently I watch you,

Unmoving, not speaking.

My eyes never leave your face,

Your powerful stride.

My lips don't move,

Yet my heart speaks a thousand words,

Yearning for you to hear, these secrets that I bear.

Our eyes meet across the room,

And excitement heats me up,

Rushing through my veins,

Pounding in my head.

Yet as I look at you through rose coloured glasses,

You look at me with hatred and disdain,

A scornful smile upon your lips,

That shatters my heart and wrenches my soul.

The fault is mine own, I'll admit,

For it's with a camoflouge of meanness that I come before you.

How are you to know that my heart beats for you?

How are you to know that I yearn for your touch?

Isn't it my fault that you've learnt to hate me?

Isn't it my fault that you think I hate you?

Can you not see it in my eyes?

This torture that I bear...

Can you not see it on my face?

This love I give to you...

It radiates of me,

Yet noone knows.

It's written on my face,

Yet noone sees,

That my heart, body and soul are all for you.